December 26th, 2009

Finding the One: From His Perspective

shelrhonda

Tell Us about you?

I am a 44 year old man who had been single for most of my life. I married a little over one year ago and life for me has been a fantasy come true every since.

Why do you think you were single for so long?

There are several reasons for my single life extending for so many years. I’ve heard many times that black men are afraid to commit, we want to keep our player status, or that we are simply too immature to get married. While I am not willing to apply those theories to my reasoning, you might arrive at your own conclusions after reading my story.

When I got to college, one of my good friends gave me some advice that he had received from his father. A man needs to have three things before he can have a woman:
1. A relationship with God;
2. Education; and
3. Career.

I took those words to heart and would not allow myself to fully commit to marriage because I did not have any of those requirements. I believed that I might end up as a statistic if I did not finish those three tasks before getting married. Each of the requirements posed significant challenges for me and therefore contributed to my long life as a bachelor.

Were these the only reasons for not finding a wife?

These are not the only reasons for my long journey toward matrimonial bliss. When I was very young, I saw images of women who were very beautiful. Women of certain hues, shapes, and behavior characteristics were visible through magazines, television, and throughout my urban neighborhood. Those images helped shape my own concept of what beauty was. Every young man has his own concept and as he grows, he strives to obtain that model when he seeks a relationship. Physical beauty as well as inner beauty must combine to make the woman that we desire.

…so what impact did those images have on dating?

I was on a quest to find the woman who fit into the picture that was indelibly etched into my mind. I began dating women based on physical appearance and eventually discovered that our personalities did not mesh. The women had the physical beauty but they did not have the inner qualities that I sought. This does not mean that they were bad people; it just means that we were not right for each other.

You found that beauty wasn’t everything, so then what?

There were other women who did not have the physical aspects either. As a single man, I discovered an ugly truth about myself and about most men. If we cannot find a woman who matches our concept of beauty, we will settle for less by becoming involved with women who I call “Space Fillers”.

What is a Space Filler?

A Space Filler is a woman who keeps us company by giving us companionship, sex, and good times until Ms. Perfect comes along. Many times when men leave for another woman, it is because he was involved with one of these space filling women. The danger is that the right woman might come along and the man has to break up with the space filler, cheat on the space filler, or even divorce the space filler.

You see, space fillers can sometimes manipulate a man into getting married, especially when there are no visible options for him to pursue. Men need to be careful not to occupy their time with meaningless relationships and women need to know if they are a filler or a fulfiller.

How would a woman know she’s a Space Filler? Are there any signs?

The answer to that question might seem difficult for some but there are a few ways that a woman can find out what she means to a man. Naturally, the first thing she can do is ask. Ask him how he feels about her appearance, personality, sense of humor, style, and even religious views. Ask him any and everything that she can think of that might be important to him. Believe it or not, we think about the small things too; they figure into the bigger picture of how we feel about you.

Women often get caught up in fantasies about what their relationships are or will become. They enter relationships as if they are married when they hardly even know the man. I spoke to a single woman a couple of days ago, and she complained that men want to have sex with her on the first date. She asked, “Can we wait until at least the second or third date?” I thought, “Wow! What is the difference?!” If you go into a relationship doing everything that a married woman is doing for her husband, why would the guy you’re dating want to marry you? He’s getting everything I’m getting without the committment! If you make a guy wait and he still sticks around, you might be a keeper. If you start showing him all of the stuff that comes with you while still abstaining, he either really likes you, or would do anything for a piece. A smart woman will be able to discern the difference.

Another thing she can do is meet his family and introduce him to hers. Often times we treat meeting family like it is taboo. We believe that only special people can meet the family. Well, if you are hugging, kissing, having sex, going out, cooking for him, or just spending time with him isn’t he special? Aren’t you? If not, stop wasting your time! If you are wasting your time, you are a space filler!

So after spending time with Space Fillers you met your wife, tell us about that?

I dated my wife for three months before I even kissed her lips. That kiss was a twelve o’clock when the new year began! I had never waited three months for sex before let alone a kiss. I discovered through waiting just how much I loved her. I think she found out too. And believe it or not, that kiss was better than sex. I was excited for a week!

I met my wife, Rhonda, while ushering at church. The service was finished and a friend came over to greet me accompanied by Rhonda. I recognized Rhonda from college twenty years ago. She went to my school in Alabama for one year, bur we had never met. I knew that I had seen her though, in passing. She was beautiful! My heart was thumping, and my palms were sweaty. I could not wait to see her again. As time went by, I saw her a few more times at church until I asked for her email address (I did not feel comfortable asking for her number in church).

After a few dates, Rhonda showed me the kind of woman she is. We went to a movie and I was driving her home. I did not want the date to end, so I suggested going to a Christmas light show. While there, a window in my car malfunctioned and would not close. I figured that I would take her home and get the window fixed the next day. When I escorted her to her door, she suggested going to Wal-Mart to get some plastic and tape to cover the window. Well, not only did she go with me to the store, she taped the window shut too! I was extremely tired so she fixed the plastic for me. She then stayed on the phone with me for thirty minutes as I drove home! Well, that might not seem like a big deal to many, but it was an eye opening experience for me. I got a chance to see the selflessnes and care that makes Rhonda who she is. Most women that I dated would have wished me luck and a good night while allowing me to fend for myself.

I knew then that this woman was different from all of the other women I had dated. She showed me through her actions that she genuinely cared about my safety and well-being. Throughout our dating life and marriage, she has never stopped caring about me. In every obstacle that I face, I know that Rhonda has my back and because I understand that this is the woman she is, I love her more and more as the days go by. That love continues to grow and is the reason for my happiness.

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